Enjoué

byebye blogspot, hello tumblr ;)

2010-03-14T20:51:00.001+08:00

the calm before the storm pt II

2010-03-13T18:15:00.002+08:00

part II because i'm quite sure there is a part I somewhere, there were many storms and many calms. wth.

down with one paper and this only brings us closer to our yr 2 finals. the heart's pretty confused at what to feel anymore, sometimes it still jumps and tumbles at the idea of sitting for finals just four weeks away, and there's this other part of me who doesn't want to care anymore, because who are we kiddinggg, exams are happening ALL YEAR ROUND. and it's not like we study less harder. much less harder. nahh i dont know. i mean it's not like we're going to go crazy turbo on studying compared to the other papers, because we're practically crazy turbo all year round which is why my brain is aching and yelling at me to stop. sigh.

ANYWAY.

shopping at body shop today was disgustignly fruitful and amazing. i feel super fufiled and more importantly so happy! i'm going to smell awesomely good all year round now. and not to mention! loved the company <3 here's to many more shopping sprees, especially aft pros. hahaha! now my arms are aching from the carrying and my wallet is crying from the spending. sigh talk about momentary lapse in better judgement and impulsive buys TSK.

AND

i'm thinking about moving blog space. probably going to do it after this entry :)

if you're meant to read it, you'll find a way to get the link out from me. haha!

muchlovealways.

fried neurons and then some

2010-03-10T11:09:00.002+08:00

dear blog,

forgive me for the long hiatus. along with the rest of my room conditions i seem to have been neglecting your welfare for the past week or so. it's probably going to be over by friday, and then it'll be one other long push till finals. sometimes i feel like i'm on the verge of screaming and throwing a mega bitch fit, because i'm sooo tiredd :( and the reading is ENDLESS -sulks.

but then i take two three steps back and calm down. so i put on pretty music, lie in bed and dream (the non REM way)

and remind myself of the very tiny dim light shining at the end of the tunnel, then perhaps things aren't so bad afterall...

we'll talk soon, promise.

muchlove.

the after hours

2010-03-01T22:50:00.003+08:00

i told you i'll be back! only problem is i'm not quite sorted out yet :)

times are hard these days, in more or less general terms, the weather is just insanely hot, and the workload never seems to end, the days are closing in on us, and time never seems to be on our side. to make it thru the end of year two seems like a feat near impossible to beat, let alone stay motivated in this 'mess' we're in.

motivation.

it's this inner drive that's suppose to be constantly in you when you're doing something you love. i am doing the things and i'm where i know i need to be, but am i still motivated by the same 'right' reasons that i was here in the first place? i'm not too sure. it's tiring sitting for exams back to back and to attend lecture after lecture all at once, not to mention the many things we love to have in between to remind us we're still alive and breathing and feeling like a normal human being, however do we manage motivation now?

perhaps it's fear that drives me most now. the fear of failure. to some it might seem outrages that i'm using fear as my motivation in something as 'honorable' as a medical degree but i must admit, although i'd very much like to have the love for studying, for medicine at it's core and purest form, love for patients, for it's challenges and never ending depth of knowledge, but to hold on to all that when you're sleep deprived, when you have lecture after lecture to cover, to have endless streams of information to drive into your brain, you want to reallyyy tell me that these are the things that still keep you motivated?

i'd like to meet you.

it doesn't drive me as badly as fear does, honestly. no, of course i'm not being angsty and bitter about my current state of mind, i'm just... tired, and abit cranky- GIMME MY COFFEE STAT.

jokes aside. i'd like to say that although we're swamped with work and it is afterall only year two and whoopeedee! we have three more finals to look forward to - i guess it helps to keep focus at the light at the end of the tunnel, although it's pretty dim dark and gloomy now, at least it's still there. to keep in mind that whatever things we're learning now, whether we bother or not with learning behaviours, in the molecular work of memory formation, or the histology slides behind the pathology - that everything will pay off in the end. at least that's what i keep telling myself (also the insane nagging fear of failing out of med school and the dire consequences that follow)

so don't be mad at me for trying to shrug off your worries and problems by saying things will be alright, and these soon shall pass, and everything will be over before we know it - it's not that i don't care and that i'm being selfish and mean, it's because that's what i truly want to believe in, with all my heart - that everything really is going to be okay, that we'll be able to graduate together and not kill anyone the minute we step into the hospitals.

cut ourselves some slack ok. we deserve some from time to time, and on top of it all, we really do deserve to know that we're going to be okay, so i'm telling each and everyone of you now (after you've spent the last ten minutes scanning my blog post when you're suppose to be studying, tsk) that,

i know it's hard. but take heart that you're not the only one feeling like a hundred yr old with chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety disorder, mild dementia and ASBD, i'm right about there too with a fungal infection hidden somewhere in between.

so pray, sing, dance, laugh, do whatever it takes to get by - ahha, if all else fails, think about how hard we'll be partying after pros and the joy of being able to call ourselves clinical students.

and in the end, it's only by His grace we've made it this far, and with His grace we'll make it even further :)
let Him be our reason and purpose, to serve and to love with His grace.

i'll be back soon after i sort myself out :)

2010-02-26T22:24:00.000+08:00

you can turn off the sun, but i'm still gonna shine...

2010-02-22T02:07:00.003+08:00

chinese new year 2010

CNY @ Sg

Chingay 2010

and i'll tell you whyy :)

to be continued!

yes, this one's for you

2010-02-20T02:30:00.004+08:00

"I’m all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke."
Meredith Grey

it's your birthday, love

2010-02-19T13:41:00.005+08:00

HAPPY 18th JONATHAN!!
not so little anymore,
don't grow up so fast.

HAPPY 21st CARMEN!!
i'm really glad to have met you as a friend.
you're beautiful inside and out.

HAPPY 24th BIRTHDAY FARAH!!
angsty, thanks for always being there,
remember age is but a number.

have a blessed birthday all of you,
i'm so thankful to have you in my life,
much love always.

flip a coin

2010-02-18T00:35:00.004+08:00

you need to chose. you can't have the best of both worlds. you have to make a choice. and you cannot/shan't force your choice onto others. you have to choose.

i thought i already have with my fingers crossed, but i keep looking back just to make sure i made the right choice, and then i realised that i never did choose because today i looked into the mirror and realised i was still standing in between.

//why is it so hard to just choose.

恭喜發財 ♥

2010-02-17T00:41:00.004+08:00

so i've spent the last four-five days back home sweet home with thefamily and theextendedfamily as well - spent it eating, chatting, gambling, catching up, eating, did i mention EATING?

the amount of food that was going around was as if we've spent the past one year starving and kept our stomachs till chinese new year to fill, which is quite glutton of us come to think of it. But i fell in love all over again with the warmth of having family and friends nearby, my car!, my old room!, cny cookies, and everything moving at a slow enough pace for me to catch up and to breathe. I fell in love with the noise, the chatter of excited voices, blackjack, jinrami, oranges, the fireworks! and the list goes on. back home, i can be a kid again :D i can bully my siblings into doing what i 'command' them to do, i can rush out leaving my blackjack cards on the dining together with the rest of my cousins to catch the last few moments of a fireworks display, courteously let off my our friendly neighbours to welcome 'choi san'. i can eat and eat (i also do it in sg lah) and eat and not worry about having to pay or to keep track of what i've already spent. i can nua around the house and not feel guilty for not studying. i can complain and disturb my parents whenever i feel bored. i can call up old friends and have long chats over the phone just because i'm that much closer to them now...

yes, i can love home when i'm home, i can be a child again, worryless and in a way free. and for that brief days that i get to be home, the burden of schoolwork, the longing for the comforts of home, the worries about family and friends - seem to be lifted off my shoulders, and i can take deep breaths again.

back here, i still feel the mad rush once i hit singapore customs i know i'm back 'home' in sunny singapore. don't get me wrong, it's a different kind of home. here, i know i no longer can be kid, because i have responsibilities and expectations to meet; here, i have purpose and reason; and i also have treasured friends and family :)

the road not taken always seems greener, but i'm glad i took this road, i still think it's the right thing to do. but to be absolutely sure that this is the place i want to settle down... i don't think so, and i use to think i was a toughie, able to rough it out far far away.

to rough it out? yes, i'm sure i could. but to absolutely fall in love with the place that i would be able to love it the same way i love home.. that's a different matter all together.

we'll just have to wait and see.

[thought deleted by user]

2010-02-12T00:43:00.002+08:00

I AM HOME

this shall be the only line regarding CA3.

it was a mad rush from school back to KR then the packing (i've never packed so efficiently before in my whole 21 yrs of existence HENCE i forgot my belts ARGHH - hahaha no belt no barrier to eating. HAHAH) then lunch with Zy, then bus which we arrived ten mins before it took off (zomg, i need to stop doing this last minute chase bus/airplane thing, remember zyin becca that this was also what happened to us while trying to catch a flight back to KL??? this is bad, try imagining what will happen to us trying to 'catch' surgeries) then into the warm welcoming arms of thefamily, ftw.

tmr i'm meeting zyin for lunch :D and very very last minute CNY shopping (see what i mean, last minute, tsk), then dinner with thefamily and theextendedfamily every night right up till tuesday because that's when it's byebyeseeyou all over again, boo.

hello home, i've missed you bed, cable tv, own toilet.... hello glorious malaysian cuisine, how my tummy has missed you so HAHA. and hello friends and family, oh, how my heart has missed you so [insert love]

out of my mind?

2010-02-10T13:11:00.002+08:00

zero

i secretly told myself that i shouldnt blog till aft exam, but it started raining, and i cant help but stare at the raindrops falling outside the window - and me safely inside the four walls of the library being in the comforts of my notes, books, laptop and iced coffee. i just want to remember this day, this feeling - having this strange urge to run out and go dancingg in the rain. one day i just might ;)

my current wallpaper

2010-02-09T00:33:00.002+08:00

.one.

big picture

2010-02-07T20:25:00.001+08:00

"We’re all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what’s coming. It’s pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are."

Grey’s Anatomy

with reason and purpose

2010-02-05T10:44:00.002+08:00

what i'd give for a year off to travel and see the world :(

if in doubt, love

2010-02-02T20:00:00.002+08:00

i'm thankful ..
for being so near the library,
for having family who call and shower me with TOO MUCH concern,
for having a supportive/understanding/wonderful group of friends,
for being able to have warm meals every day,
to not have to fight for food or my life for that matter,
to have a home to go home to,
for transport, and bus drivers although sometimes they can be mean,
to have a solid strong education,
to have this opportunity to shine which comes so rare nowadays,
to have people who love me, and who i love close by,
for my books and endless supplies of notes be it from seniors/friends/teachers,
for irritating lectures and lecturers because they remind me that we're still human,
and that i'm still able to feel irritated (because then it would mean i've gone mad)
for having God as a guide and anchor in life

for the mornings, the afternoons and the nights,
for lectures and study periods and library sessions,
for windy benches, mr bean and cat poo,

that i'm able to breathe, run, jump and sometimes fly.

to be here.

*deep breath in out*

ok, i feel better now, back to them books and mad med notes :D

and then i remembered we didnt take pictures

2010-01-31T14:52:00.002+08:00

a weekend spent in church- the calm before the mad storm ahead. it always begins with a feeling of uneasiness, to leave what we understand as OUR world, and OUR priorities, and what we MUST do behind, for a whole weekend away with people who share the same faith, people who are asking the same questions and looking for comfort, a sense of belonging and a certain silence... so that we may here God speak amoung us, to hear God speak in us; so that we'll become vessels of His love, to carry and to do His will and ultimately to know that we're never truly alone.

tired but rejuvenated; worn down but not worn out. may He fill our cups with His love and let us never lose sight and faith in all that we do :)

¹Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual^a]">[a] act of worship. ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
³For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. ⁴Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his^b]">[b]faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
- Romans 12

thank you CG mates for the very enlightening weekend, here's to a fantastic week ahead

and it aches

2010-01-28T13:07:00.003+08:00

"Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something, I’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing."

- Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

raaarrr

2010-01-26T22:52:00.001+08:00

"Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don’t lick your wounds. Celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You’re in a lion fight, Stevens. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar."

-Richard Webber, Grey’s Anatomy

maybe they didn't love forever, just a lifetime

2010-01-22T22:23:00.002+08:00

"Being gifted doesn't mean you've been given something.
It means, you have something to give."
- i wrote this for you

and He has given me enough,
with purpose and reason,
we'll find a way, or make one.

when it gets tough, got to fight some more.

2010-01-21T00:31:00.002+08:00

im tired

weary

drained

but even if it drives me temporarily insane, i'll push on, i'll give my all, until i have no more left to give.

Dear Brain,

2010-01-19T01:20:00.001+08:00

i think its about time you get your act together and WAKE UP now. i kinda miss you, and i really need you stat. thanks brain, you are much appreciated.

Heart Failure

2010-01-18T00:28:00.003+08:00

a clinical condition where, the heart is unable to meet the body‘s demands.

i have my reasons

2010-01-16T21:01:00.003+08:00

taking a break from my notes (i've been on break since 3pm btw. wth) ANYWAY,

i'd just like to take a few moments to talk about crazy bus drivers, the ones who try to knock you over when u're groggy from sleep and trying to cross the road WITHOUT getting hit by the bus, but for obvious reasons like not using the zebra crossing 10m away - the bus driver chooses to speed up and slam the brakes AND the horn, thus waking up every nerve and senses that was sleeping 5 mins ago, oh well.

and then there are the bus drivers who delibrately drive AWAY while you run TOWARDS the bus knowing very well how late you alr are (blame sleep again) and they KNOW, but oh myyy, how they pretend not to see you, sometimes with heels, clacking all the way up the slope; or the huge laptop bag you had to lug to class, the heavy files and huge books, sometimes it's a floorball stick or a tennis raquet, but run you must - timing is everything people.

the bus drivers who drive off immediately aft you get on before you are able to reach out for a seat causing you to stagger backwards and sometimes... fall backwards T.T sangat bagus.

we must be very amusing to them.

thank you mr bus driver (sometimes A2, and sometimes the D bus) for being ever so nice and patient to stop the bus for me when im running after you up the merciless slope at business. and thank you mr c bus driver, for always wishing me a good day when i rarely hop on your bus to the src, yes, you make my dayy :D

and here's why i go to school (apart frm the bipolar-ed bus drivers)

:D have a beautiful sunday!

shame on us

2010-01-12T15:49:00.004+08:00

i've been trying to hold my tongue about the current 'issues' in my homeland recently out of fear that i'd upset certain people, that i will dissapoint other people, that i am not matured enough to know what the 'adults' are doing, what they are fighting about and what are the issues being discussed, that i'm too naive to see, too narrow minded, too biased to see the reasons behind it all...

enough.

i had enough of this rubbish. and they ought to be ashamed of themselves, we all ought to be ashamed.

there have been so many articles being written explaining and 'pacifying' both sides on the usage of the word 'Allah'; and naturally and humanly so we fall, and fail and we begin to put blame on others, to the opposite party. they say its part of marketing, because what do we do? we forgive, we pray for them, really now? they also say that we're trying to mass convert everyone into believing in our God, since when did it become your God my God, my word, my terms and MINE only. when did i have to ever use the word they and we as we. Isn't bahasa our national language too? we've been using 'Allah' for a long time, no? in East Malaysia, where we have brothers and sisters who have mass in Bahasa; in places like Indonesia and Arab countries, what makes Malaysia any different. We also say that it is our right to use the word and we must die die also use the word, then how?

if both sides always feel that they are going to be right, then how?

i'm terribly upset over the matter, not only because it gives my homeland a bad name in the international arena, it shows we've never really learnt to accept and respect one another and all these years all this tension has been building up inside of all of us, and it takes one thing to break us. seriously, are we going to let this break us?

i'm so upset that i fear for my family's safety, when they go for mass, where church is a place where we should feel safe, when putting a cross infront of your door was suppose to be welcoming and protective, when putting the rosary in our cars meant safe passage and journey, but now we're living in fear, we're walking so lightly, afraid of stepping on someone's toes, too afraid because the line drawn is too thin, too close for comfort.

so what happens now?

But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.

- 1 Timothy 6:11 (NIV)

isn't my Malaysia, your Malaysia too?

//:(

insider scoop!

2010-01-11T16:29:00.004+08:00

you know when we have our labs and we look pretty coolio and smart in our lab coats etc? then we have a notebook and pen in hand, seated next to a microscope and peering into the microscpe, in hopes of discovering a new virus, then we can terrorise future medical students by coming up with ridiculously hard names, or discovering the next new cell shape, size and feature that will lead to a new way of describing a lesion... okay fine lab - lab isnt thaaaat exciting and erm, all we do is observe cells that have been thr for 1397247 years,

sooo... lab is pretty much like any other dry lab, observe, look at notes, look some more, dont understand, ask, observe, look, manipulate the pointer, the lighting, the magnification, look some more, ask again... STILL CANNOT SEE wtf and then they say ... use youre imagination... no kidding. then until today, i found this!!

oh, and i knw its abit too crude and this pic actually has other negative connoctations to it.. lol but i couldnt help wondering about my prof who so confidently asked us to use our imagination to see beyond the cell, to imagine the shape of it, and then regurgitate it all during our exams, just like probably everything else we read.

seriously need to study NOW :(

be mine?

-hijacking a bouquet of flowers ftw!
teehee, will blog more soon.

literally speaking

2010-01-09T00:37:00.002+08:00

a broken heart can never be the same again.

really, i'm not bluffing - word by word from my Prof; because even if its a myocardial infarct, your heart just will not be the same again and in fact can no longer pump as hard...literally broken hearted ;) i suppose you can look at the statement two ways, both have their somewhat truth in them. one thing is for sure tho, if it doesn't break you, it can only make you stronger!

someone please give me my week back :( tg not so if.

look up into the sky, love

2010-01-06T23:25:00.002+08:00

the scene is all too familiar, the scribbling of notes, silent (not so silent) gossips, whispers, sniffles, yawns, droopy heads and heavy/light hearts neatly seated in one row - each with his/her own story. so here i am, back in school, back to my stacks of medical notes facing yet again another exam. things are better now in a sense that i keep reminding myself about the bigger picture in life, the things that matter more and trying to make myself a better person and let my light bounce of others too ;)

i actually have alot of things to talk about lorh. but i'm so lazy and now i'm so sleepyyy. teehee. there's IHG, Chingay, enough to fill my plate! then there's catching up with work, neighbours and fellow batchmates, upcoming birthdays, birthday shopping - oh myy!

and ya lah, i think i need to do something interesting soonn.. meh meh mehhhh.

"The years go by. The time, it does fly. Every single second is a moment in time that passes. And it seems like nothing — but when you’re looking back … well, it amounts to everything."

Ray Bradburry, Catch 22

i have this whole list of books that i really really want to read in my ahem free time albeit limited i love readingg okayy, ya lah nerd la what to do! hahaha so if you have them books please tell me so i can bug you into lending me them for a good read. budget abit tight too sooo im trying to restrain myself from buying.. erm restrain must restrain and save money to buy clothes HAHAHA wtf i need cny clothes okay, no time to shop alr.

so yup, so i wanna read the abv said book - catch 22, stiff by mary roach, flowers of algernon by daniel keyes and boy meets love by david levithan. YUPPP hahha okay fine its not really a whole list per say but it is alot please i think enough to occupy my mind till the end of the year (yes i am that slow a reader too) and you have to consider the medical books i alr NEED to read. so yes. if you do have it pls let me borrow it, and if you wanna spoil me you can even buy it for me HINT HINT HINT heee :p

Breathe

2010-01-02T22:20:00.002+08:00

my mummy bought me wrinkled-free shorts because she knows i hate doing laundry - ironing included.

sigh.

i wish i could tell you that leaving home gets easier the more times you do it, like the many routine things that we go through in life - but - leaving home, home? there isn't anything routine about this, and i'm sorry to say that it just gets harder and heavier everytime i take that step out my front door :(

i ♥ 2010

2010-01-02T02:12:00.003+08:00

i spent the last hour looking through my blog trying to figure out whether i did any of my new year's resolution - i'm guessing not reallyy, except the passing year 1 part HAHA, diet - 0, mt kinabalu -0, better person? i think and i hope i deserve a 1 there :D

this year i spent new year's at home with my family, watching fireworks on this square box i've come to lovee and adore during the days back home here in Msia, icecream in hand and the remote in the other - ahh, home feels good, new year without the crowds may not be as happening ( and for the few hours before midnight i was frantically trying to MAKE plans since i thought it was rather sad to be young hipp and not out on New Years eve wtf but most of us, my friends rather decided that maybe perhaps this year we take a low key and avoid the crowds, perhaps just for this year... ) signs of aging? ackkk, i hope not!

so so sooo, new years resolution?!

at the moment is just to be a healthier person as a wholee- to sleep enough, eat enough ( no more fast food, okay, maybe twice a year, more fruits, less oil, more vege!), drink more water, pray and have more silent moments to calm down and recollect thoughts and events ( stay calm and to not be afraid), to listen to God, to always search for His voice within, to be a wayy better friend/sister/daughter, be nicer to people ( really listen more and talk less, be there as a wholee, ears emotions and person when he/she is talking and not to zone off as often as i do)... yes, in anyway to improve myself and in turn improve others around me, and that!

that shall be my main aim for 2010.

of course in btwn there's passing year 2, and doing my very best for the clinical years. to be apart of a charity project of some sort, to be apart of something, that can help someone/others out in one way or another, to look out for such opportuinities and SIEZE THE DAY yo! lose ahem weight ahem. stay sane, healthy and ever happy. and to always always always be thankful for what i have even if the grass seems greener on the other side to never forget the things i alr have and to work with what i have.

here's to the tears we've cried, to the laugher we shared, to the memories we'll keep, and to the people we've met, here's to 2009, what a great year it was albeit too fast for my liking, the ups and the downs, the wins and the loses, the lessons learnt and the love we shared - cheers!!

woah, that's a mouthful ;) soooo,

here's to a fantastic 2010, may we love and live, be happy and merry, healthy and cheery all throughout the year!

"May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself."

— Neil Gaiman

'tis the season to be jolly

2009-12-30T23:29:00.004+08:00

what happens when a friend of.. 10 years, gets engaged on Christmas night,

seven girls who have been apart and 'out of touch' for a year or twoo,

loved ones, friends and family who gather to celebrate the union of two lovely people,

excited and jittery,

it was one heck of a night, beautiful and trulyy a blessing to be apart of it...

and i've missed the girls so much. only when the chatter started to fill the room again, only then i realised how far we've come from our high school days - from days where we worried about the next coming big examination (haha, actually i still worry about that), school woes (in tough luck with the 'law'), boys; worry as we mayy, but we were so carefree then, happy carefree and truly innocent.. in our own sweet way. sighh, what happen to those days people? those feelings of sweet nothingness, have we been so clouded by the ugly truth of society that we're no longer able to appreciate the short highs of our life?

sure, high school wasn't a breeze and when i was in it, i certainly had my fair share of the drama butt I can't help but miss the simplicity of it all ;)

here's to our many more years of friendships girls, and to a wonderful wedding come 2010!!

you can't play on broken strings

2009-12-27T21:02:00.003+08:00

we've been here many times before, exchanged the same polite hellos and how are yous, we have also sat in silence before; once comfortable but now awkward and strange - foreign, as if this silence was never suppose to have happened in the first place. But it did, and how strange it was to sit across the table looking at a familiar face but with no clue as to what goes on in his mind, to have no idea, thought or feeling onto what comes after this. Really now, what comes after this silence?

But really now, what did I expect, after the years, how can it be possible to piece back the missing puzzle pieces. It was after all, a better decision walking away, a better decision of letting go and moving on, it was after all a lesson well learnt and a forgiven mistake.

so many things to say, years to catch up in fact and all we manage is this awkward silence. And really, it pains me to realise that you really can't play on broken strings anymore.

Christmas

2009-12-24T15:39:00.002+08:00

my favourite season of the year is here! look how time flies, and it's christmas time all over again. christmas shopping, cooking, catch up times have been going well, keeping me as busy as how i was during my exams, ahh but it's bliss, and i'm thankful; thankful for the stress tht the holidays may bring ;) the family that gathers at the dinner table tonight, the gift of family which is more than what i could ask for, all in good health and sheer happyness, the gift of baby Jesus, the reason for it all <3

may we set aside our differences for tonight and truly enjoy the magic of christmas.
because it's Christmas, i secretly believe magic does happen tonightt.

may you have a blessed Christmas, and a very happy new yearr!

Bangs

2009-12-22T17:58:00.002+08:00

every girl should try having bangs, at least once in their lifetime. i've done 'em twice, you'd think i'd learned my lesson by now... hahaha some mistakes you just happen to do them over and over ;)

it's good to be home.

i'm going to find me some star

2009-12-19T23:48:00.003+08:00

we could search the world and never really find love, or it. that feeling inside that makes you glow, makes you bubble with laughter and burst into giggles, the feeling that makes you see rainbows, stars, pretty colours all at once - makes you want to always always stay in it's presence, to bask in it's warmth and to take that one leap of faith and never look back... ayee, they call it love eh? ;)

"You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine."

- Yvaine, Stardust

perhaps we've found it already, the trouble is keeping it, holding on to it, and to not stop loving, to always find reasons for love... i suppose that's where the hard work comes in yah. aish, the trouble with love is love itself. hard to define, harder to keep. don't get me wrong, i'm sure it's out there, somewhere, i just haven't met you yet :)

i'll be coming home for Chirstmas

2009-12-18T02:11:00.002+08:00

So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family, that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.
- Haniel Long

and all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go :) i'd click my red shiny slippers three times, because there really is no place like home, here's to few weeks of good food, great company and un disturbed sleep - nothing more i can ask for <3

i'm walking on sunshine

2009-12-15T14:11:00.002+08:00

it's been four days since my past paper, and yet again it proved to be another typical exam paper where you study so hard and so long only to find yourself stumped at the possible questions that 'they' can come up with. makes you wonder why u study so hard... but i'm sure it'll be worst if we didn't bother at all. in the end, it all comes down the the bigger picture of things, learning the things now so that in the future we'll be better and everything will fall into place (i hope), the mishaps and dissapointments will fall into place, wishful thinking never hurt anyone ;)

exams aside, life has been, good.

haha, today is the first time i'm spending an afternoon doing absolutley nothing but rest. my body's aching all over from the cycling trip, badminton training and chingay, and this is only the begining! GG. catching up with friends have been awesome and i'd rather all this than to put myself through notes and stress and having my mind filled with names i don't even know where to place em. oh the woes of being a university student! :) the holidays are here, christmas is in the air, the family is near and home is so so so so close, i can't wait.

Don’t seek, my friend, we cannot say
what end’s in store for you, for me:
don’t trust in vague astrology,
Better to shoulder what will be,
whether you soon will die, or stay
to watch the shore exhaust the sea.
So drink some wine while your hours flee,
put small trust in posterity,
and prune your hopes; but pluck the day.

Horace (65 BC – 8 BC)

it's funny how it really catches you off guard.
have you ever felt that you don't belong,
that you're floating by? that you don't really know what to feel?

feels weird :/

quickie

2009-12-09T00:34:00.003+08:00

then it was two days,
good luck class 2013,
another CA ticked off our calender,
another step closer to completion of M2.

like how the Singaporeans say itt,

HUAT AH!

we will find a way, or make one :)

2009-12-06T14:27:00.003+08:00

thank you.

Addiction

2009-12-05T03:13:00.002+08:00

they tell you caffeine, smoking, alcohol are bad addictions because it's bad for your health. well, i'd like to add that the chase for excellence, the chase for perfection is also an addiction, because it's bad for your soul. once you get there, once you think you've touched the limitless sky, there always seem to be a higher sky, and the chase- this chase can never seem to satisfy the hunger for perfection and excellence.

now, when are we just going to be plain satisfied?

Take one breath and then take another. Repeat these simple steps until you feel like you’re doing better. Take one breath. Let the calm of it consume you. Everybody knows that it’s never fair.
— Bright Eyes

please say something

2009-12-01T01:10:00.000+08:00

“With only a sigh
I hear every single thing
you won’t say to me.”

— Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

the calm before the storm

2009-11-29T19:51:00.003+08:00

i had many clever things to say this evening, the thoughts running through my head through the afternoon where we roasted our sunday lunch, when i sat down once again with my books/notes/life, on the way to church, even in church and on the way back. it's funny that once i actually sat down and stared at the blank sheet before me, i find myself once again, lost for words.

too many things have happened for the past month. things that i wish i had time and words to write out but alas haha now that i find time to blog, i don't have the right words. possibly because of the guilt that these words carry, the guilt of not being with my notes/books instead.

i'm calm and collected :) tonight at least. amidst the stress that lies ahead everyday, and the troubled sleep i go into every night, i'm calm and cool and i have a feeling that i can do this with His grace.

i have much to be thankful for, and the time of Advent is a good time to reflect and recollect lost thoughts and forgotten promises. i am not perfect, in fact flawed in many many ways, the year is ending and i'm not sure what i've done the past year or whether i've done enough. i've forgotten my new year's resolution (so horrible- i know) it's either they were very superficial and easily done, or perhaps they were just forgotten because they weren't important to me in the first place, and i half heartedly made them, for the sake of the new year.
note to self: i shall probably search through my blog, they must be hidden somewhere - HAHA.

the year went by so fast, i don't know what happened. i don't know how i got here, but i will think about it when i ahve the time, after exams :p and perhaps come up with a better more coherant blogpost... but i know who stayed and to me, my constants are what kept me going all this time. whether it's starting out, mid year and even now at the end of the year, people who stayed and people who kept me moving forward.

God, family, friends - you know who you are - Thank you for being my constants.
and tonight, i have a feeling that everything is going to be alright.

nom nom nomm

2009-11-23T23:58:00.003+08:00

cestodes anyone?

sorry, i couldn't help it :p

Conversations from home

2009-11-21T20:25:00.004+08:00

me: ehh, so how's the exam? omg WHAT U DOING ONLINE?
bro: hah, resting. ok lor.
me: go study lah.
bro: wassup?
me: studying lor STRESS LA HOW CANNOT FINISHHH
bro: -.-"

mummy
eh, you two very funny. your brother say he is in the middle of the exams and relaxing, he say you got three weeks left and already like that.

//homesick

because it's all do or die now.

2009-11-16T02:08:00.002+08:00

what the heck am i doing online?!

ignorance aside - exams are once again around the corner, four, no i mean three weeks to go before we meet again in MPSH freezing, nervous and very sure that this time we're not going to make it alive. the constant feeling of impending doom is kinda wearing off on me alr, and i'm numbed? accustomed? to constantly feeling like a complete airhead all throughout the day, worried, forgetful, nervous - highly unlikely.

i hate it that i turn into some nerdasaurus come exams.

i keep reminding myself that i have much to be thankful for, that i have been truly receiving many many blessings throughout my lifetime and today when Fr. Cary spoke on end of the world issues, made me wonder what I have done, what I have given in return to all the wonderful things that I have received. and yes, today it really made me wonder whether what I do justifies the things and blessings I have received.

hopefully at the start of this new week i'll be able to keep that thought in mind and live up to what I've been blessed with. stress or not, exams or not, it all comes down to what really matters most and whether we've forgotten our way along our journey but never the end we're journeying towards.

so come rain or come shinee, I really hope with fingers crossed, that I don't lose sight of my end :/

i need a new brain

2009-11-15T16:45:00.001+08:00

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

2009-11-11T01:17:00.004+08:00

I have much to be thankful for - the events that unfolded almost as if it was really magic, totally unbelievable and too close to be just plain coincidence.

but i'm tired. ironic. just after a pumped up weekend of being 'recharged and refreshed' i'm seriously tired. and i know that i'm the one to blame for my tiredness. sighh.

if i close my eyes real tight tonight, made a thousand wishes to be home and be over with it ALL, and try really really hard, do you think it'll work?
:(

"But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight

You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget you only get what you give"
- New Radicals, You Get What You Give

M2 Playhouse 2009 - FTW

2009-11-08T01:47:00.002+08:00

"Are there ever adequate words for this experience? When you are suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of feeling, a knowing, when you are drawn to someone (or a group of people) in this way? With the strength of the unavoidable?"

— Deb Caletti

though practices were long and tiring - especially the cast, directors, producer, stage crews, lights and sounds, costume and makeup, and every single person who has made this playhouse win possible; we have to admit that the journey, THIS journey, was worth it.

After tonight, i'm refreshed and recharged!

ironic isn't it? when my mind and body is no longer in functioning mode,

but my soul,

oh! how my soul sang tonight :)

A world of their own

2009-11-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

"So it’s environmental. All we need to check is parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it’s internet porn related. I’ll check the internet."

- House

but my brain is only this small

:(

how?

Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book.

2009-11-01T19:18:00.002+08:00

i have seriously got to get use to the speed we're travelling at. it's as if my body has been thrown into some time tunnel and i'm just free falling through the days, hours, and minutes - really? november already? now, if only my brain and soul can catch up with my body... sigh.

night cycling came and gone. was a fantastic ride in a very rainy night, but the rain was just nice. droplets weren't too big and it was as if just right, to have that much fun cycling (dancing) in the rain was like a blessing from above. with aching thighs and sored butts, the ride was worth it and this year we made it! all the way to east coast park. the food was good and the company even better. yayy.

home/something like that - then i was packed and rushed back to Johor for All Soul's prayers and a good weekend with thefamily :) talk about pillow talks and stuffing myself with so much food to last till the end of the year, i mean seriously. hahaha i miss home everyday.

and zyin, i'm really glad you called me today, even though i was between sleeps and trying to catch up with lost sleep, because really i can barely clock a normal sleeping pattern anymore. besides, all the trying was making more tired than i really am. thank you for whining and letting me randomly ramble. it's so good to have someone like you in my life. haha you make me wanna fly back all the time! which is horrible! now study hard and go kick some dental ass.

.GOSH. I NEED TO GET ON A PLANE AND GO SOMEWHERE.

Out of the Dark - Matt Hires

2009-10-27T21:47:00.001+08:00

I'm burnt out and wasted.
I'm tired of pacing.
I'm busy erasing voices of the dead.
Everything changes,
And everyone's faceless.
I wanna replace this darkness in my head.

In a strange, strange place,
Lying on the edge of a star.
In these violent days,
I only wanna be where you are.
Even fools, they say,
Could find a way out of the dark,
Of the dark, help me out of the dark.

Have I been a sinner?
A lover? A killer?
Cause the world I've discovered,
It's nothing like my heart.
I wanna escape it,
Or try to embrace it.
I keep rearranging,
Everything I know.

In a strange, strange place,
Lying on the edge of a star.
In these violent days,
I only wanna be where you are.
Even fools, they say,
Could find a way out of the dark,
Of the dark, help me out of the dark.

tou-fik and tou-fu

2009-10-26T20:13:00.003+08:00

From Jimmy's Blog

2009-10-24T23:02:00.001+08:00

"Out of the unreal shadows of the night comes back the real life that we had known. We have to resume it where we had left off, and there steals over us a terrible sense of necessity for the continuance of energy in the same wearisome round of stereotyped habits, or a wild longing, it may be, that our eyelids might open some morning upon a world that had been refashioned anew in the darkness for our pleasure, a world in which things would have fresh shapes and colours, and be changed, or have other secrets, a world in which the past would have little or no place, or survive, at any rate, in no conscious form of obligation or regret, the remembrance even of joy having its bitterness, and the memories of pleasure their pain."

Oscar Wilde

<3

2009-10-24T13:37:00.001+08:00

96. Cinderella walked on broken glass. Sleeping beauty let a whole lifetime pass. Belle fell in love with a hideous beast. Pocahontas risked her life for a feast. Jasmine could have had anyone but instead chose a poor man. And Ariel walked for the last time on land. All for love and all for life. It was all about blood, sweat and tears. Love is all about facing your biggest fears.

these two hands

2009-10-22T21:43:00.007+08:00

the night after Mambo, and my head is filled with thoughts about the new residency programme, about school work, committments, home, especially home, and of medicine.

i suppose it's a phase, that comes and goes, the days when you wake up wondering if you've made the right choice; whether you're doing it for the right reasons; why you're doing it; and ultimately if you're truly happy.

i use to be able to see myself - five years down the road, the person who i want to be, but today, today, i'm particularly scared/worried, because i feel that the rat race i'm in is really getting the best out of me. that i will be unable to fight off the insecurities and turn into just another puppet for society.

the new programme, implemented in our education system in hopes that Singapore will be able to churn out specialist at a faster rate caught me by surprise. i suppose it's good for those who've already decided from the start what they want to do, but i'm only in year two, and we all know by now my committment issues (HAHA) for me to decide what i want to do for LIFE, seems like a decision impossible to make, but sooner or later i would have to make a call. that's one thing i've been dreading and hopefully will be able to do so rationaly and with an intact mind. i drift between the choices of oncology, geriatrics, infectious disease, paediatrics, O&G, surgery and the possiblities of A&E. ohh myy, decisions decisions - i really have no.freaking.idea.

my dad says i'm worrying too much since im only in year two. i guess he's right, haha, it was a momentarily panic attack after seeing how sure my colleagues were in what they want to do, and what they've done! i have a friend who's assisting in FOUR papers! FOUR! in year two! and many others who have expressed keen interest in research and actively searched out professors for consults etc.

i'm completely impressed and totally respect and admire their courage and skills! yes i also admit, i'm insecure - because it makes me wonder what i'm doing with my time...perhaps i'm too used to being spoon fed? too used to having someone decide for me? maybe i'm not fighting hard enough? too complacent? not asking the right questions?

i often missed my surer self. when i knew what i wanted and was so sure that i was meant to do this. that my two hands here were meant to rock this planet. but now i sit here cluelessly, wondering if my two hands are good enough for the world.

(sorry for the rant, i know my posts have been abit emo-ed and angsty, and i've missed posting about happier times such as pink and blue, iscream supper, MAMBO NIGHT with the meddies, birthday celebrations and things that have made me happy, but blame it on hormones or whatever, i promise this will pass, and happier posts will be coming up soon, i just needed space to vent)

mummy knows best

2009-10-16T23:49:00.002+08:00

i sit silently on my bed watching my yellow bag. it remains unpacked. i sit and i think; i recall the events that unfolded the night before, the events that happened during the day. the emotions that ran wild and the dissapointment that quickly ensued after. yes, dissapointment. i had big plans this weekend; big amazing beautiful plans for home, family and friends.

but fate took it away.

no, scratch that. not fate. it was my own doing, my mistake, and it was a lesson hard learned. sighh.

i wish i could tell you everything is going to be ok, but you see, i'm not too sure myself.

i could tell you one thing though. at times like these, it's your family that gets you through it whether blood related or not - thank you mummy for the calls and the calming voice even when i was frantic and angsty; haha and to my friends here and back home, thank you for putting up with my clumsiness. i miss you everyday.

I have a point to make.

2009-10-13T02:21:00.003+08:00

The Colours Run

Because you're looking for a date, not love. Because you're more interested in who you go to bed with than who you wake up next to. Because you tick boxes in your head instead of crossing lines in your heart.

and i can't help but wonder, has our generation really came down to this?

that some how we've been moving too fast to believe that true love exists, to allow love to exists; perhaps it just isn't real anymore - it's always the case when you stop believing.

do you know what love is?

because i'd like to know.

Heart of Life | John Mayer

2009-10-10T03:19:00.002+08:00

forgive me for the long absence from the blogsphere, there were at least four tons of notes to dive into before the exam which just ended today, i mean yesterday (it's 3 now!) - no need to say the least, the paper was... well... (insert tangled mess of yarn).

today i shall talk about people.

you know how sometimes we're all so bogged down by work, especially when it comes to exams, it's amazing no matter how many times we feel like dying, we're still hanging on tightly to the thin strings that hold us together, trying to stay afloat in this whirlpool we've created. and it amazes me, the tensile strength of the human soul. we have limits when it comes to our human, mortal body - but the soul? i understand that there are limits too, but is there really one?

how many of you can say, that even if you still are angry at the person, you're still hurt by their actions, can truly wish something awful to happen to that person?

or quantify the love you feel for someone, in words it may seem that you love him/her till your heart aches and feels like bursting... but how much love is love?

or pain, sadness - that overwhelms your body, puts you down as if your just falling into an endless pit of darkness and despair...

and yet we pick ourselves up again, each time, brush off the dirt, wipe the tears and face the world. i'm amazed. amazed at how much one person feels and yet pushes it aside, keeps it together and acts (i'm sure there is a better world) put's up a strong front for the people around them, as if it was just a bruise.

haha, and i realised we're all just balls of yarn, tangled and tumbling around, hoping and wishing to bump into someone with an equally big tangled mess to be magically patient enough to untangle our mess, and if we're lucky enough, we'll be patient enough to untangle theirs too; or just get tangled together :)

excuse my hiatus

2009-10-08T03:30:00.000+08:00

That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world… happiness isn’t good enough for me. I demand euphoria.

— Calvin and Hobbes

what the heck

2009-09-25T17:41:00.003+08:00

i know i just posted something last night, but then there was so much uumph in me because it is friday - i decided to heck it la, and write another. actually, i'm just secretly lazy to pack my things for home tmr, or be more productive like actually studying and attempting to pass my soon-to-kill me exam.

i also realised that i missed out on alot of important details that happened in the past week, although i don't have the pictures, and just plain lazy to post them up, so here's a brief review:

bestie comes to singapore.
she's crazy, picky, naggy, tiny and very cool. hahaha, and she came over to spend hari raya weekend with me (that's what i secretly think because she was actually here with her family) but anyway, she came, spent the night, then we went for katong laksa, and then spent 6 freaking hours on one floor in one shopping center in orchard. then she went home. yup - totally loves it when she's around. and now yay, i'll be back home soon, then probably we'll be more productive like spend 6 freaking hours covering our exam topics in one night ( WE MUST STUDY OK - NOT KIDDING)

xiaolongbao buffet.
this was a meddies night out with KR-SH old medics. haha. it was hilarious because we have been planning this since forever. seriously - because zhenhong forever pangseh-ing us. but anyway it finally happened, and we ended up being very stuffed and had good laughs that night. i think it was really worth the money, because i ate so much until i.... ok nvm :D but i was very happyy! see it take very little to please me!

haha, that's about it. other nights were spent FB stalking (hahahhahaha seriously, i'm sure we all secretly do) and mugging in the library. life has been good despite the ups and downs. and the times when i feel like i'm being pushed through the days by an invisible crowd moving at an unbelievable pace. there is much in life to be thankful for and yet we're only human to want something more out of all this. something to mean something, and ultimately turn my life upside down inside out. life has become too routined for my liking, the temporary madness was really temporary and i felt like watching something float out of my life as sudden as how it came into my life.

and as i think back about what it was, and how happy it still makes me feel - i wonder if i'm making a bad move in letting it go because it simply was too inconvenient to my life to let it continue. hopefully not? :|

sometimes ideas are so much better than the reality of things.

have a wonderful weekend, text me if u want anything from kayelle!

seriously, run.

2009-09-25T02:00:00.003+08:00

zomg. it's FRIDAY! o.O

and i'm this much closer to being home sweet home - aircon room, home cooked food, theparents, thesiblings, thecompany, kin kin pan mee, ROTI CANAI, 24 hr MAMAK, babyy!!, the sight sounds and smell of home sweet home. le sigh. nothing beats this feeling of going home after what seems like forever in Singapore :D

on a heavier more serious note, i've decided that going home is for studying purposes, and of course spending time with thefamily. at times like these i wish i could divide myself into two? maybe three? then i'd have enough me to go around -nyaha. i will not day dream about driving out with baby. i will not shop. i will not go for movie marathons. i will not call and talk on the phone for hours. i will not spend all my time sitting in front of the TV, watchng astro and whatever random movies on HBO or star movies. i will not disturb thesiblings - HAHA. i will exercise and not eat like i've been starving in Singapore (TOTALLY NOT TRUE). i will study. very. very. very. hard. there, i said it. sigh.

is it normal for everyone to move at such a fast pace?

and all i can do, is to keep up with the pace.

-if only you weren't so hesitant.

100 and how much i love weekends

2009-09-16T02:16:00.003+08:00

especially if they are long weekends *excites*

haha, i blinked and then my week passes by - it's crazy, it's fast and it happened like blurred images. i wish i had more to talk about considering that this will be my 100th post in blogspot! and someway or rather to make it more memorable, and i suppose that thought and idea speaks for the weeks that seem to slip through my hands. i stare at the blank template and blinking cursor wondering what to write about my past week, and funny although i knew it was a hectic mad week, i could not specifically remember anything.

must be all the damnn (oops) information in my head - hahah, make space for notes!

it was truly a blur - i remember enjoying lessons, we're doing neoplasm now, cancer in other words. and i'm enjoying lessons and absolutely love my tutorial group. such is my nerdy self. the bestie is HERE in singapore, can't wait to spend what's left of my loong weekend with her :)

the days feel different now ever since the one year i've been in singapore. i feel different :) have a wonderful weekend everyone.

mini update...

2009-09-13T01:01:00.003+08:00

...just because it has been a beautiful day out with theparents,
and because it's also the weekend,
because i got some studying done -
it's a small start to a whole new mugging life,
because i'm feeling much better from killerflubug
because i'm strangely weirdly happy,

and just because i feel like it.

have a wonderful weekend everyone :)

parading my angst

2009-09-09T10:08:00.002+08:00

naturally, i'm a tough cookie, rarely sick. which is why i suppose now that i've gotten some sort of flu bug i'm coughing and burning up like there really is no end to this, and so they say a battle wages within. been to the docs and the medications were symtomatic, i suppose it's just to help give my body time to fight for itself... my poor body :(

then i wonder if i've really been tiring myself out lately, overthought too many things and believing that i can always do more - wtf. i have laundry to do, washing, cleaning my room, notes to study (because i've been OFF school wtf), i'm going to miss IFG handball (AGAIN AGAIN BLODDY HELL AGAINNNN) and i had to reschedule my choir auditions till tmr - like my cough is going away in one day... baaaaahhhhhh.

i hate being helpless, weak and sick. body aches, i have headaches the size of planets, and a cough so dramatic and terrifying, i create a ten meter radius when i cough in a crowd. le sigh. great, just great.

someone say something to make me feel better :(

we heart sunday mornings!

2009-09-06T12:28:00.005+08:00

kr dee annh deee.
best dressed table! woot!

i've been sucked into a whirlwind of activities (what else is new) hence the lack of updates despite the many many things that have been going on in hall, school and basically life. i feel different, and sometimes i think it's good but sometimes i wish i was the same - ahh, but change is the only constant, so i suppose i've got to stick to changing, hopefully for the better.

and it's about time i hit my notes. ttfn.

Happy Birthday Malaysia.

2009-08-31T20:26:00.004+08:00

edit: :D haha, only at home,

today marks the 52nd birthday of my home.

there is a tinge of sadness that when i'm here in Singapore, because i no longer here the patriotic tunes on the radio, shopping complexes or random strangers at bus stops humming to the popular songs - tanggal tiga puluh satu, setia, etc.

although there are many times i shake my head in dissapointment at the actions and decisions of my country's leaders, or the many times where i'm ashamed to see the crimes and offences my countrymen are capable in doing, most of all, i cringe and shy away when i see the corruption and inequality we live in everyday - but my home is still my home. being away from home to another place where things seem to move at ten times the normal pace, where everyone seems to be an over acheiver, where the city never sleeps, and everythingg seems so accesible and 'hi-tech', i wonder where my country has been all these years.

but i long for the peace and quiet nights in Malaysia. i long for the simple life, things moved at a slower pace but at a more peaceful and less stressful manner. i long for the friendly faces, people who work hard no matter what they are doing and are happy and at peace with where they are at. i long for green green fields, papaya trees, random chicken/goat/cow on the road side. i long for the good food, good company and the ever busy pasar malams. i long for the drives up and down the north south highway be it to penang, genting, cameron or malacca. i long for the multi cultural dinners where we get to dress up in many many many different types of traditional costumes. i long for 24 hour mamak stalls with big screen tvs playing football. i long to have conversations that span three different types of dialects and languages. i long for the opportunity to be different, to stand out in the crowd, to be special and to be able to make a change. i long for home.

home may have many flaws, but don't we all? i think of the people i know back home who truly put their heart and soul in all that they do, who have pure intentions, who share the same hope and dreams of having a better tommorrow for our country, and i can't help but look forward to the future.

i promise you this, as long as i'm a Malaysian, i'd wear it proud and loud, and do nothing less but make my country proud - Selamat Hari Merdeka!

“ Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was. " — Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

dancing in the rain.

2009-08-29T02:34:00.004+08:00

i have an urge to blog - funny enough, i can't seem to find the inspiration or rather the motivation and time to update the blog. haha, and so i've spent friday night, free and easy - pushing aside patho, immuno and block worries for another night, to have one night with myself and my ... chinese drama, music and website surfing. ah yes! the simple quiet moments that adds up to good self reflections and recovery from yet another hectic week.

so yeap, IBG came like a hurricane and swept me off my feet and what do u know it's tgif all over again :D

nothing prepares you for hall life, university life for that matter. and i've asked this before, about how is it normal that everyone moves in such a fast alarming pace, most of the time, i feel like i'm unable to catch my breath and smell the daisies/roses/whatever along the journey. weeks zoom past as if they were minutes and funny enough sometimes seconds go by like they were hours :\ (especially during matches and lectures. pfft.)

my days and nights are stretched. my body feels like it's degenerating as we speak, andd i find in myself extreme tolerance i never knew existed. haha. i wish there was a handbook on how you deal with being a senior/university student - like a guidebook for idiots you knoww, because sometimes (most times) i find myself struggling to deal with the school work, politics, relationships and whatever else life seems to throw at me. but alas, i can only wish. le sigh.

year 2. gosh. what a change from my year one self. more sceptical? perhaps. but i suppose in a lot more ways, wiser? not so blur, not so scared and abit more confident and sure in what i want to do. at least now i'm learning things where i can actually find myself relating to my job in the future, something i actually like studying. at least now, i have an idea where i stand in the cohort, what are my restrictions and how much i can push myself. and what i suppose are my goals and targets for the coming AY - choosing to stay in my comfort zone? i suppose yes? ahaha! i also realised i have so much more to learn from so many different individuals, that at times in the midst of IBG, IFG, playhouse, msf talks etc, i've met individuals who are so talented, and yet carry such humility in what they do, and i'm humbled in their presence.

call it contradictory, but i have this urge to go out and soak it all up - so i'm left torn between what i know, and what i yearn to know. my hunger for the new and undiscovered gnawing on me like a pebble in my shoe - then i realised, this sheltered life is not for me, at least not now, not at this moment,

because at this moment in time, i feel that i want to be the world.

oh, and he messes up with my plans - my plans to be the world. le sigh. but perhaps this is why i feel i'm much more in touch with reality these days. admist all the hurricane of activities, he gave me a reason to feel like i haven't lost out on what it feels like to have the sugar rush of emotions again. because it's been quite sometime, and to have it come back to me, albeit it's abruptness and for a lack of better timing, catching me off guard, when i least expect it, this is what makes it feels different, and i guess in a way, keeps me going - this temporary madness :)

i wish life came with instructions

2009-08-25T01:12:00.003+08:00

“ I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all."

-Leo Rosten

If we want to know what happiness is we must seek it, not as if it were a part of gold at the end of the rainbow, but among human beings who are living richly and fully the good life. If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double Dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar gold button that has rolled under the cupboard in his bed room. He will have become aware that he is happy in the course of living 24 crowded hours of the day. If you live only for yourself you are always an immediate danger of being bored to death with the repetition of your own views and interests. No one has learned the meaning of living until he has surrendered his ego to the service of his fellowmen. If your ambition has the momentum of an express train at full speed, if you can no longer stop your mad rush for glory, power, or intellectual supremacy, try to divert your energies into socially useful channels before it is too late.
For those who seek the larger happiness and greater effectiveness open to human beings there can be but one philosophy of life, a philosophy of constructive altruism. The truly happy man is always a fighting optimist. Optimism includes not only altruism but also social responsibility, social courage and objectivity. The good life demands a working philosophy as an orientating map of conduct. This is the golden way of life. This is the satisfying life. This is the way to be happy though human.

-W. Beran Wolfe, ‘How To Be Happy Though Human

for the first time in a long time, i feel that im giving away something to someone who did not earn it, someone who is taking but not giving, someone who may or may not think about the greater good - someone who does not put others above himself. and for that very same reasons, i am not doing anything about it. i say that he/she is being selfish, self centered and small minded, but when i think about the reasons why i'm not doing anything about it, it really doesnt make me a better person. in the first place, was it mine to give? does my needs overwrite the needs of others? can i make their needs mine, and acheive.. happiness in what i do? where do we go from here? - because i start to wonder why do i bother, when the returns are subjective.

//then why is it that my heart is hurting this way? :(

tee gee aye eff

2009-08-22T01:09:00.002+08:00

i shall make attempts to update my blog every friday - rightttt

haha, but i've never welcomed fridays so happily before, and i suppose when working life edges closer (although i still have 3 more years to go) can't help but anticipate fridays, weekends and the rest/relax time it carries. however fridays and weekends technically are times for catching up whether it's work or with friends and maybe i'll remember this time around, to catch up with my self - me time!

i'm also extremely proud of my netball team, love love (in the words of fern) - 4 matches in a day, 90% of the team with no netball background, one week of training but these girls have one big heart and so so so much energy, i'm inclined to think they might just be what the block needs to be AWESOME (not that it isn't lahh, ok fine, AWESOME-ER) so ladies, if you're reading this, thank you for your enthusiasm, spirit, love and on top of all that, thank youu for being wonderful neighbours. here's to the (intimidating) week ahead.

here's the week in point form. (everyday 830am class)

saturday (tmr) - safety comm duty
sunday - touch rug
monday - basketball
tuesday - IFG badminton, volleyball
wednesday - volleyball
thursday - handball
friday - handball
saturday - floorball

i'd like to have what the freshies have, this freshness they bring into the game and team when i see the schedule for the week ahead - not to mention, we're also starting on immuno and patho, wtf. hahaha, and perhaps, just maybe, i'd be able to summon up all the courage and strength i have left to say - BRING IT ON.. RARRR!

pfft. feels more like a meow to me :))

Dear God, through whom strength is made perfect in weakness.

2009-08-21T00:04:00.002+08:00

"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray."

1 Peter 4:7 (NIV)

is it normal for everyone to move at such a fast pace?

Give me some peace of mind.

2009-08-20T00:46:00.004+08:00

When you’re young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary? — Sex and The City

it's week 2 of year 2 and slowly but surely the notes are piling up, screaming at me to go through them before it's too late. wtf. the commitments stacking and the expectations rising just as high or dare i say even higher since i'm one year older? and the said, one year wiser.

FWOC ended and IBG is taking place in hall. Pathology is starting next week and we're already finishing up genetics. PBP to start next week and I'm at wits end trying to find my CGs via IVLE, although I was pretty sure it was there when I checked yesterday but apparently I can't seem to find the patience in my heart to look at it again now. Clinical groupings have got me thinking whether I can handle all this.

Grandma is ill and in constant pain. She asks me questions that I don't know how to answer; I don't have the answer. Admittedly so, I feel that praying is the only thing I can do for her and our family, and I can't help but feel that it's not enough.

I don't know why I'm so tired because at the end of a day like today, I just want to push aside my notes and say I'll do it tmr, collapse into my bed, or have long chats with neighbours, or read random things online.

and I'm going to end tonight quoting from one of the best lecturers I'm blessed to have come across and honored to have him as my anatomy professor -

"It's ideal if you find the practice of medicine a 'special calling in life'. Your existence may actually be more meaningful and fulfiling to you. Imagine discovering that elusive "purpose in life". - A/Prof Raj

goodnight, i'm so very tired.

everything is going to be okay.

2009-08-17T02:20:00.001+08:00

Angels and Devils | Dishwalla

2009-08-14T01:15:00.004+08:00

"Being here today, is like taking a walk down memory lane, as much as I have gone through here in school, and I think I speak for everyone if I said that this would most probably be the hardest and biggest step we have to face, leaving our comfort zone, leaving our securities, leaving our home and leaving our family.

It hurts just to think, that by next year, we’ll be walking in corridors, and yet will not be seeing the faces that we’re so used to meeting everyday, that by next year and the years to come, we’ll be wondering if we’ll still keep in touch, whether we’ll change or whether we’ll have another chance in life to once again be apart of each others lives. We’ll never know what the future holds for all of us, but one thing is for sure, our past is definitely a past worth remembering.

When we’re separated by time or miles, we’ll find our thoughts returning time and again to the people we shared so much with…and we’ll look forward to being with each other again. The best thing in life is truly a friend. So as sad as it may seem, I look forward in seeing where we’ll be in years to come, and I do hope that we will all still share this same feeling of togetherness and love when we look into each others eyes. I know for sure, I can count of greater things to happen in the future because of all of us present here today, and I also know that no matter how many times we say goodbye, we will still be good friends in our hearts, in so many ways best friends, for yesterday, today and every tomorrow.

that was me, 4 years ago. fresh out of high school, that was me giving my graduation speech, graduating from high school, taking the next big step into college and one step closer to getting into medical school. reading the speech reminded me about the whirlwind of emotions during those years. the anxiety of deciding on a goal, the actual process of making that dream come true, the school 'politics', the people whom i thought i could spend my entire life loving, the repetitive and yet comforting notions of high school years - i was happy, loved and fresh. eager to find my way into this huge world...it would be nice to feel that way again.

goodnight.

how you've convinced me to dance in the rain, with everyone watching like we were insane.

2009-08-12T19:01:00.006+08:00

because i've been missing the comforts of home and the familarity of it all i've decided to take time off hall/studies and reflect back on my holidays by posting up many many pretty pictures, ok la, maybe not too many.

21st BIRTHDAY!!

what started out as me asking for a quiet celebration, didnt turn out so quiet after all. thanks to the besties and my mum who took it into their hands to give me one heck of a memorable 21st. thank you everyone who made it so so so so so special and made me feel loved all over. everytime i hear boyzone's i love the way you love me, i can't help but remember all of you, who make me feel loved every day.

this was my quiet dinner with the besties.

dinner with the family.

the siblings on birthday night!

my better thirds ;)

with sofia dila and manda @ Redbox aka Kbox!

see my pwettie flowers and big ballooon

the surprise! so sneaky, tsk tsk.

thank youu for the memories, i couldn't have asked for more :)

i have many things running through my mind now, and mind you my mind isn't very big tell me how can you sleep, how can you breathe there are issues in hall, issues in medicine, issues of the heart and home and when it comes at one go, i can only do what i know, which is to turn the other way and walk far far away from the issues. le sigh. when did we grow up? children never hesitate in front of things they like. when did i become accustomed to masking emotions, to turn a blind eye on ridiculous behaviour and when did i stop listening? i wish i had answers, but i also realised that answers don't come as easy anymore, and they are probably there, just that i'm reluctant to look them in the eye. why can't you see? looking at my 20th birthday pictures, i remember feeling lighter and slightly happier, and so the happiness has changed, i am happy but at the same time, this happy feels strange and my heart wasn't as light as before, it was as if after one year away from home, and in a whole new environment, i still have yet to find my footing - it's as if i've seen what i needed to see alr and i feel like taking off again, somewhere far perhaps, and somewhere new.

maybe that's what i need, a change again. somehow my heart and mind seems to be yearning for a new scene. displacement has never felt so welcoming.

生日快乐, 妹妹!

2009-08-07T01:57:00.002+08:00

to my sister who is:
always chatty and at times quiet.
never fail to provide me timely updates about her friends.
dragged me into Boys before Flowers -___-
insanely addicted to Jap/Korean culture
most likely going to be taller than me.
a food junkie, but never gains a pound.

celebrating her bday today :))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

and i wish i could be there <3

who gives a fwoc?

2009-08-06T02:03:00.004+08:00

more pictures from the all time fav FWOC BBQ :D

before we got down to business!

with KS and CY

jumpshot- nearly there.

farah, you were missed!

and then there was FLAG :) or at most, a certain version of it....

Flag was once again a.. shall i say, different experience from last year. Somehow i felt that cash flow this year wasn't as good, perhaps it was due to my location as well. I am reminded about alot of things when I do flag, however tiring it is, Flag has taught me much, in terms of how not to judge a book by it's cover and of course it was a great time to bond with everyone in block. You'll be surprise to know who actually gives during Flag Day ;)

on a totally unrelated note. received a call from one of my better thirds today - it's funny that when we speak, it doesn't feel that we've been away from each other for too long. we've got heaps to catch up on :( in due time my dear, in due time. still can't believe we've come this far - of all the things that we've been through, the boys ( prb refers to me) and the stress of exams, e.t.c and of course singapore, i think we deserve a huge break (hint hint hint hint hint hint HOLIDAY hint hint hint)

" Friend's should stick together, but not get stuck together"

~~

I quote my uber cute meddie freshie : " ... love you loads, much more than the water Malaysia gives Singapore." hahaha, sighh. I think the SinMa jokes are going to hang around abit more. hahaha.

one moment more | mindy smith

2009-08-02T19:00:00.002+08:00

oh, times like these are filled with much angst. when i wake up in the middle of the night, wide awake, tired but unable to fall back asleep again. when nights like those my head fills with many questions about life, and where i seem to be heading, whether i'm actually on the right track, and sometimes, most times, the most fundamental question of all - who am i?

and i wonder the sleepless night away, whether it's normal to ask such questions now, whether it's right for me, who have so much, to desire something more and then i fall back into troubled sleep feeling selfish, childish and small.

Oh, please don't go
Let me have you just one moment more
Oh, all I need
All I want is just one moment more
You've got to hold me and keep me.

I just want to live when I'm alive

2009-07-30T15:29:00.006+08:00

time truly flies. a moment ago, I was walking through the doors of KR and suddenly I'm one of the 'over-enthusiastic' seniors clamoring to help the new 'blood' move into their rooms, seriously, talk about giving them a culture shock. But it's times like these that I remember the most, and years from now, I hope I will still remember the feeling of having butterflies in my stomach, the dread of making new friends and being in a totally new environment, all on my own.

times like these - make me feel ancient. haha. old to the core and yet people doubt my real age! I know there hasn't been much of a proper update on my side because ever since returning back to Singapore, I've been practically sucked into hall life, and never to be seen again :D times like these - I lay in bed unable to sleep and at the same time my body aches for rest and relaxation; times like these - I get woken up by work and remain cranky the whole day; but most of all, times like these - I've made great friends and found a new family all over again, kinda makes the lack of sleep, rest and entertainment worth while :D

so today, I will blog about my life in Singapore so far -

MEDICAMP 2009/10
ahhh, I remember my Medicamp days, unsure and worried that I'll be unable to fit in! considering the fact that these will be my fellow colleagues that I'll be working with for nearly the next half of my life. It was the same, TIRING but a whole lot of fun! with mass dance and mass games and of course having the beach by the side of our chalets was plus points. We stayed at the NSRCC all the way over the East side of Singapore, the weather was great and the company was just as nice. Loving my OG!

CAMP BLUE BLOOD
CBB is a pre-orientation camp which freshmen interested in staying in hall come for, like a pre-introduction before stepping into the doors of KR ( I know sounds damn massive right! ) it's also for the FWOCers to gauge the activities that needs to be done and for seniors to have a preview on the freshmen entering hall the coming year.

Blue Blood is like any other camp - tiring, crazy and alot of FUN. We had the usual - station games, ice breakers, BBQ and performances here and there.

FRESHMEN WEEK ORIENTATION CAMP - FWOC 09/10
FWOC!! Talk about being tireddd... hahaha, the past two camps is nothing compared to this camp! although the past two camps was tiring and very rushed, there were alot of pre-FWOC preparations considering I'm in block comm and so our tired-ness was spread out over the span of a few weeks - pfftt. But I'm loving the idea of having my neighbours around ( I'm missing xiaobai, farah and yunwen though :( ) and having people in hall once again, always ready to entertain no matter the time and day. *fingers crossed* I'll come out of FWOC not sick, not too chaota and with a functioning voice. hehehehe.

So that's abit of my hols, I have yet to blog about fantastic Taiwan/HK! my birthday? I miss home, everyday in fact and the people back there, but life is good and I shan't be greedy to ask for more ;) thank you everyone here in KR, Medicine, Singapore for the memories and for the next few years ahead. many hearts to youu guys.

My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just wanna live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

between the lines

2009-07-22T11:30:00.003+08:00

Any first year med student, knows that an increased heart rate is a sign of trouble..a racing heart could indicate anything...from a panic disorder...to something much...much more serious.a heart that flutters...or one thats skips a beat...could be a sign of a secret affliction...or it could indicate romance...which is the biggest trouble of all.

- Grey's Anatomy

swamped with work! and at times like these, I can't help but miss home...

I guess there's so much more I have to learn,
But if you're here with me, I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can learn,
You make it real for me.

haha, still loving em' polaroids.

polaroids and then some

2009-07-15T17:42:00.009+08:00

being back in Singapore has been one great blur from the day I came back for Adrian's wedding to Medicamp to moving back into hall. and in the midst of all the rush, i've managed to catch up with many many people and i suppose see hall and Singapore in a new light, the light without the worries about looming exam dates or unfinished hall stuff... well, maybe not too much of the unfinished hall stuff.

then, i discovered the wonders of making polaroid pictures, and now I just can't seem to stop :) so here are pictures from Adrian and Serene's Wedding! ( I suppose the pictures will be in a jumbled sequence, since I still owe pictures and a post on Taiwan and HK, not to mention my 21st! hahaha.

the very handsome couple.

serene and tanny

elaine and i

nyonya night with the family :)

the night was filled with good speeches, good food, and great company. imagine us 'kids' staring at uncles and aunties who were.. well, let's just say, when they started dancing, singing and teasing, it was funny enough to make us stare :D

wishing the both of them a life of happiness ahead!

After A While | Veronica A. Shoffstall

2009-07-10T23:20:00.002+08:00

After a while,

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up

and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while,

you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth

and you learn with every good-bye comes the dawn.

Learning to Breathe | Nerina Pallot

2009-07-10T00:49:00.003+08:00

Finally! Some time alone in the day for me to go through the week's fury of events - birthday celebrations, wedding preparations, the wedding, medicamp, singapore... I realised as I grow older, I tend to appreciate quiet moments alone more. I used to fuss and fret and become so restless during times alone, but now I just let them linger, it's as if, if I spoke a word, my moments would dissipate along with the peace I feel at times like these.

The one and a half hour bus ride to my Uncle's place was well needed for me to recollect my thoughts, and how I've been neglecting my blog, so much to update - taiwan/hk, birthday, home, wedding!, medicamp.

The aches on my body remind me that I'm no longer the freshie that I used to be (although it was only a year ago -HAHA). I met wonderful individuals during Medicamp, I've also got to know my fellow batchmates even better and enjoyed their company for the past four days. I'm ashamed to say that although that we've spent the past AY battling out, I don't seem to know manyy :| but I'm glad to say, it's starting to feel a bit more like home here in Singapore :D

no longer do I feel like the people who politely asks questions to make silent moments less awkward but in the end making it too obvious and then it becomes awkward anyway -___- , or those that feel alone and lost in the crowd, or the clueless malaysian who fumbles at her bad england :) Maybe it's really me growing up, and learning to breathe on my own..sophmore year? hell yahh :p

Love is strange, and in all it's strangeness I find Love is also beautiful.

Father Lucas mentions that a wedding is about two people who are forgivers; how true.

Dr Ho - and when the feeling of love dampens with the responsibilities of family, work, old age, and the monotony of life, mutual respect and appreciation comes into play; and how sweet it would be to share your lifetime with another.

and there isn't a way to explain what love feels like, and I think real love runs real deep, and I'm glad I was witness to it today! Two senior citizens walking back to the same apartment as me, his wife silently pulls her husband close so that he doesn't get into an accident on the road, then not so silently nag about how hard it is to keep him safe, then she lightly touches his back, and he returns it with a smile...

ehhe, couldn't help but strike up a conversation with the both of them during our walk home. yahh I know I have this snr citizen/ children draw thingy going on... ehhee.

I think It's not something that can be forced, nor something that can be gained, I think love, just is :)

pictures soon! moving back into Hall only 2mrw, internet isn't as fast as I want it to be and hence, no picture uploads - but they are in FB anywayy...pfft, and I bet you guys have seen it alr.

sleep good. sleep on nice soft bed - even better ;)
goodnight world.

arigato gozaimas

2009-07-06T01:24:00.003+08:00

you know what I think is a blessing?

apart from babies popping out from vajajays.

i am truly blessed to have people who really know me, who can tell from my voice whether i'm about to cry, scream and even when im telling a really good lie... and i'm quite certain even my parents can't be that good, well, they maybee but at least my parents don't flaunt this 'skill', haha. friends like these two are hard to come by, and i really wonder deep down if we'll have enough blessings and miracles and fate? to keep our friendship going.. way past boyfriends, graduation, weddings, babies, work and till we're so old, we'll be knitting on rocking chairs - okaayy - i know that's a bit too far fetched, knowing us we'll be driving our husbands-to-be up the wall, or complaining about some random thing that happened, or perhaps we would have mellowed down ... not likely.

but i'm happy, in fact, too happy, to have these two nutcases in my life. and would not trade our friendship for the world. here's to many more birthdays to come, whether we're 21, 31, 51 or 101.

thank you for an unforgettable 21.

i am so spoilt, i's not funny

2009-07-03T14:16:00.002+08:00

will be away attending THE wedding of the year, first to JB till Sunday then i'll be back in the island down under.

having camp till the 9th of July.

don't miss me too much and i promise a proper update soon <3

I really really hate this feeling of leaving home :(

so close, so close and still so far

2009-06-28T00:49:00.003+08:00

Three more days. That's all there's left from my so called 'teenage' years. One day you were just celebrating your 16th, and the next you're turning 21. I don't know how to put into words how I feel, and am completely clueless on how I should feel. It's weird, but honestly speaking, I'm neither excited r dreading the coming of age. I'm just indifferent? is that the word? I spent most of my teenage birthdays joking with friends on how turning 21 would be somewhat life changing and how I wished it was 21 candles on my birthday cake that year - finally finally legal! But, here I am, three days before THE day, and maybe it hasn't sunk in yet, the changes that are about to happen in life, or maybe I've come to realise that changes don't happen overnight.

No matter the age, I'm every bit of my parent's daughther (child) and I'm still not ready for many 'adult' things. I still make rash unpopular decisions; I still squabble with my siblings; I still turn to the same people when I'm in deeep deeep trouble; I still keep boo; still hate celery; still hate roaches; I still am the romantic softie; still want my fairytale endings (but mind you, this is fading, slowly but surely - haha). So when people ask me, what it feels like to have the big 21 looming, I don't really know what to say and it's because I really don't :)

and in a good way, I think I'd like to keep it that way.

" Today is where you're book begins, the rest is still unwritten. - Natasha Beddingfield"

bitter heart, bitter heart tries to keep it all inside

2009-06-25T00:58:00.004+08:00

time has always been a mental excuse I use to make the changes in my schedule. I blame time. Not having enough time to spend it with the people who mean the most to me. Not having enough time to do the things that I want. I blame time for moving so quickly and swiftly in and out of my life, taking away my moments, taking away possible moments and leaving me with the regret of not being able to do what I want, or regret over what I should have done with the time that I had. I fuss over these choices, I fret over the feelings of others, and time and time again, the more I do it, the more I seem to be putting a distance in between - and I know I'm wrong, the only difference this time, is I have no idea how to make this wrong right.

what happen?

why do you make promises you can't keep?

hypocrite.

oh I've said those words. Spat it out into the person's face with such ease and bitterness, that I'm sure would have been the same as putting a knife into his heart. If I knew what I know now, would I have felt the same way? would I have felt like the promises made, were empty? Would it mean then, that my promises were empty as well?

Karma? Perhaps. And maybe it's just a way for me to be, for once, in his shoes - so much to do, and yet always running out of time; so much love, and yet loving the wrong way.

and I blame time again. Because of time, there is no way I can take those words back nor undo the wrongs. ever .

cartoons and forever plans | maria taylor

2009-06-21T20:40:00.002+08:00

taken from: the bitter stickgirl

for lack of a better explanation :)
cupid - FAIL

台灣 / 香港

2009-06-18T14:19:00.007+08:00

introducing my travel buddies:

Ian!

Whye Kiat!

Tze Wee!

Stephen!

Ken Sing!

Tian Ying!

Chin Gi!

haha, and so my FB has now been spamm-ed by all the pictures taken from everybody's camera, not to mention the comments that begin to flood the albums right after.

on a more upsetting note, my sniffles have turned into what I think is sore throat and what seems to be an onset of some sort of flu (I know, I know - very upsetting) which is bad because I had so much planned for the weekend and so many people to catch up with!

but it has to wait at least till my nose clears up abit more. house quarantine it is then! :\ 7 days and counting. boo.

warwick avenue | duffy

2009-06-16T21:27:00.006+08:00

my current favourite song and singer at the moment :)

so much has happened the past two/three weeks: there was CBB, then there was Taiwan/HK, and now here I am, sitting in Chin Gi's room contemplating supper with Farah at Fong Seng or a early night in because of the sniffles I seemed to have caught during the trip (yes, I know what you all are thinking, and no, I don't think it's that bad) but never the less, I still feel that I should call it an early night just in case I get into trouble at customs 2mrw morn.

CBB - who knew CBB could have been so much fun. I must admit I had my reservations being 'dragged' back to Singapore while I was enjoying home sooo much, refusing to partake in an activity which would require me to be enthu, happy, patient and helpful all the time. haha, but I was so wrong, CBB was one hell of a camp, and I had so much fun getting to know the soon to be new faces of KR, closer bonding with other seniors and to me, the best part of it all was getting the chance to finally know other hall mates from other blocks. Dare I say it, KR has made an impact in my life, my hall mates have become more than just people who stay in the same area as me, but more like people I LIVE with. So apart from being alot of fun in the sun, it was also fulfiling.

then there was the release of my M1 results - checking it overseas was not really part of my plan, neither were the results, which led me to refreshing the page multiple times saying, hmm, one grade? are they sure? is this it? did i pass? why don't have anything else? where are my paper breakdowns? so, this is it? i did it? it's a pass, right? I must have seemed deranged to TY and CG coz i kept refreshing the page and repeating the results, then in the end it all hit me, and I was happy, thankful, and very relieved, more than anything else. Thanks be to God, without His grace and blessings, I wouldn't know where I would be right now. Amen to that.

Taiwan/HK - this part will definately require alot more visual stimulation to truly get what I soaked up from Taiwan and HK. Im still waiting for pictures to start spamming my FB wall, most likely by tonight or 2mrw.

Taiwan, amazingly courteus citizens, standing on the right side of the escalator, seeing left hand drive, toy dogs, my fat white fluff ball, amazingly clean streets even when there are pet dogs EVERYWHERE, Guess x 3, speaking in one octave higher than my regular voice, WK's pet rat, memorial halls, Xi Men Square, Rainbow Hotel, HBO movie nights, taking forever to wake up, failed poker games, the blue cheong sam (for the guys), eating out of a toilet bowl, horrible cockroaches, Yam Milk Bubble Tea, Ah Zhou Mian Sian, Wu Fen Pu and Rao He Night Market, Hot Spring - Warm Spring - Cold Spring bath, Milk Tea, Shilin Night Market, SHOPPING, Mala Huo Puo, EATING, chio girls, chasing chio girls, acting like chio girls, the catcher toy machine, coins wasted on addictive carnival games i.e. balls into hoops, JUBEAT and lots of mandarin, like seriously speaking lots and lots of mandarin.

HK, some really rude people, really smelly tofu, a very small but cosy hostel with really bad bad exterior, stupid hot water, freezing like pork (inside joke) during the nights, Ladies Night Market, Fa Yuen Street, expensive drinks and food, 'early' morning Dim Sum, broken cantonese, badly broken cantonese, seeing the insides of the MTR very frequently, DISNEYLAND, Lai Yun Mun fishing village with very expensive seafood, roasted duck and roasted pork (yums), Big Buddha - Lantau Island, long bus rides to nowhere, very nice scenic views, the PEAK, the PEAK tram, the PEAK VIEW (AMAZING!!!!!! - ultimate emo spot of the year), Avenue of Stars, Symphony of Lights, Hot Pot Rice and bearbit.

doesn't take a genius to figure out which of the two locations I prefered. However, having said that, we really didn't do Hong Kong the justice it deserves because we spent only a day there and the rest of the 7 days in Taiwan and travelling in between. Never the less, it was a great break from Malaysia and Singapore - non of it possible without the eight other travellers with me (names to be revealed when i spam the pictures on my blog); my parents who gave their blessings for the trip and the best part to declare it a birthday present from the both of them :)

thank you for the amazing experience and all the fun.

pictures soon, i promise.

in the mean time i can't wait to be home sweet home.

oh the yay!

2009-06-08T00:20:00.002+08:00

every now and then i'm humbled by the generosity and kindness of others. there are many, many things to be grateful for. perhaps, these are the things that appear to be blessings in disguise. i'm looking forward to the trip, passing yr one (fingers crossed) and of course starting the new AY.

look how time flies, and it's june alr.

look how time flies and it's been 2 yrs alr.

just, look how time flies.

the coffee's never strong enough

2009-06-02T01:01:00.003+08:00

sometimes, the things that i do, doesn't make sense. the things that i do, dissapoint people. the things that i do, is not really what i meant to do. the things that i do, selfish, inconsiderate and sometimes just not quite right - but i still do these things that i do, and then i find myself in one tangled mess. angry and all the while trying to justify the things that i do, but failing to do so.

sometimes, i wonder why i still bother, because it only seems that these things that i do are set out to widen the gap that distance has already created in between us. and it's no fault but mine.

tsk - who am i?

speeding cars - imogen heap

Gravity | Sara Bareilles

2009-05-30T19:18:00.003+08:00

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see
that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

because this is how things are suppose to be,
please just let me be.

you make my world go round.

2009-05-30T00:50:00.011+08:00

this goes to show that there are really things left in this world, in this century, that are worth fighting for; that is worth holding onto; that still make my heart skip beats, and the laughter shared, remains in my heart even when they have long gone back.

somethings are just so hard to find, but not impossible to have.

JiaChian and YueMei still so pretty :)

Dominic still so emo-mo-mo.

Greg still so cheeky.

Danny still like Tauke.

Kelvin still so 'uncle' (kidding laaa)

Pohjuan still so tall -__- (unfair)

i wouldn't trade this for the world.

high school no more.

2009-05-28T23:40:00.007+08:00

it's a nice feeling being in places that brings back memories, but it's an even better feeling when you are in the company of people who gave you those memories :)

"you haven't changed, still fat." so he says while i gave him the oh-so-familiar glare, rolled my eyes and sat in the car followed by the moment of laughter that seemed to have brought us back when we were still in school, still carrying school bags and still running from class to class. truth is, i don't think you'll ever truly grow out of high school or rather, you'll never truly grow out of your high school friends, and if you are lucky enough, they sort of go through life's stages with you, especially when my batch is turning the big 2ne1 this year. the stages of college, university, and now the final steps before graduation (except me, wth), internships, getting attached, breaking up, making up, haha and getting married (omg).

what's nice is that we can still share that comfortable silence between us, whether it's the drinks or not, but the comfortable silence still sits between us. the ones where our thoughts drift away to our own personal experiences and it's as if we don't need to say much to understand what the other thinks, whether we should probe more into the issue or to just leave it. 4 years alr/only and we've each gone through so much...we each grew up so differently. our views are so contrasting; if i met him elsewhere, the me now/ the him now would not have thought twice into this friendship, and yet, we're here, having completely different opinions about certain situations but respecting each other at the same time.

in the end, it didn't matter if it was as if we came from two planets, it didn't matter that i shot him horrifying looks throughout the conversation, and how he shook his head in disbelief in my so called 'navitey', what mattered was the years in between and how we got to where we both are.

yumcha sessions. catching up has never been more entertaining, here's to many more, even if its a year or two from now and another dinner to look forward to 2mrw :)

home

2009-05-24T22:03:00.010+08:00

aloha fellow blog hop-ers, sorry for neglecting the updates, been busy doing absolutely.. NOTHING! :D and loving the idea, i can spend the whole holidays like this: waking up late, lunch with grandma, TVB dramas till the evening with grandma, homecooked dinner at home and TV/gaming time with the siblings and parents, add in the occasional late night mamak sessions, shopping and sleepovers- couldn't have wished for anything more :)

especially the homecooked dinner part, not to mention someone to do my laundry! hehehe!

the other thirds -

at becca's awesomely new crib. teehee!

and the road trip with my aunt cousin grandma mum and siblings down to malacca in search for little nyonya... really.

my tiny sister.

~~

lessons from daddy:
this happened quite awhile ago, but i recollected this thought again today while in the car with mummy. my dad was driving me around (yay) and decided to stop over at the petrol station to get some bread, along the way we drove past the usual shrubs that grow along the highway (YES LA STAY IN PINGGIR KL SO GOT SHRUBS) we saw a family of monkeys, doing... i don't know, monkey things. picking out from whatever rubbish that was there, which is really gross to see how people can just throw trash out, like how i HATE it when ppl roll down the window to throw trash out - dis.gus.ting. long story short, my dad made me get out of the car to get two loaves of bread. one for the family and another for the family of monkeys.

to my complete horror, when i rolled down the window to feed the monkeys, i hesitated because, i mean it's a brand NEW loaf of bread!!! then that was it, the monkeys came BOUNDING towards the car and MY open window. as usual i screamed in horror and jammed the window thing as hard as i could, but i mean it's pretty useless since it can only go up at one speed only - but no, didn't die, it went up in time before the monkey decided to sit on my side's mirror. le sigh. so my dad tsk tsk-ed at me and opened his window and threw the loaf of bread in the opposite direction to get them bounding towards the other end.

my dad is like that, he does things that are out of the ordinary but makes absolute sense. i asked him, why feed monkeys a completely new loaf of bread when knowing my dad, he hesitates when contributing to chairties and things like that. and he said it matter-of-factly that it's because of us, our new housing plans, urbanisation that these monkeys no longer have a home to stay in, and he says if he can feed them, why not, or else they don't have food to eat.

he even fed them a new bunch of bananas -_____-"
it's true, what he says..

:)

"there's no place like home."

:)

2009-05-18T18:59:00.001+08:00

the plasticity of my cerebral cortex

2009-05-18T00:16:00.009+08:00

tonight, i'm home.

haha, the feeling overwhelms me. packing my room in hall throughout the night and the following day, loading the important things into tzewee's van, unloading it into my uncle's place, getting on the plane, take-off, landing, reclaiming baggage, and seeing mummy, meimei, and my brother at the end of the arrival gates waving - obviously happy to see me (likewise) although my brother immediately took the opportunity to poke fun at me the mintue i hugged him -_- wth.

but through it all, the past two days of complete 'freedom' was a blur to me. actually even the past two weeks of studying and taking the exams were a blur to me. a painful blur, wth.

the papers:
mon - 40 MCQs, 2 MEQs (IHD paper)
tues - 120 MCQs (physio, anat for ALL systems -ARGH)
wed - 4 MEQs (same topics as tues ARGH)
thurs - 40 MCQs, 2 MEQs (limbs, neuro, head and neck anat)
fri - OSPE/SPOTS

back to back papers is bad, like really really bad. and to experience it, to manage to stay alive throughout the papers, to be able to sleep/wake up and then gather enough courage to battle it out in MPSH every morning, deserves special mentioning - so to all my suffering meddies, kudos to you, it was not a walk in the park, it was tiring, it was being pushed to the limits, it was stressful, but never the less, we're still alive!!!

Happy Hols :) go take the break we all know we deserve and
M2 will be another year all together.

the past one year in NUS has given me so much, it really drove me up the wall (literally), brought me many sleepless nights, many times i felt like it was so much easier to throw in the towel and call it quits (many times during the one week of exams), i felt incompetent, felt that studying was not worth it, and for once questioned my position in the university, questioned my ambition, my dream and my abilities. to feel so much in a foreign country, where my 'person/s' were a phonecall away, unable to give me the encouraging hug/kick in the butt i desperately needed when times got so bad, to feel all that, brought me many frustrated tears, desperate midnight calls to zyin, and emo moments.

but...

NUS has also brought out a side of me i never knew. i felt that i grew so much over the past AY, not only in heart but in size as well :| it forced me to be stronger, cause Lord knows, once you are in, you are IN, and there are no U-turns, no restart button, no looking back. the past year, i made hall - a home, i made my neighbours - family, my colleagues - more than just friends. and somehow, i think that got me through the mess i was in, it made my skies clearer seeing other suffering meddies (HAHA) and it made my heart skip a beat seeing neighbours who cheer me on even till late at night, and being ever ready to party the minute i pen down my last answer for the AY. and i learned to really live the statement - what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger (so true).

so i was out of hall the day SPOTS ended. ran back to pack. then i was out of KR and in bugis for a haircut with farah! met up with tianying and joseph and we were of to Zouk to join fellow KRmates to cheer ian on for his band performance. so this is gg to sound damn singaporean - it was DAMN ZAI CAN :D total ownage! heheh wth.

pictures of freedom,
no pictures of the exams and the packing - i wish i did lah! wasted, my first year hall room, my memories, the fellow suffering meddies, the eye bags, the pimples, the notes strewn across my hall table/floor/bed, and all the small small things i received from everyone over the past year :))

Stardust :)

TY and Farah

the day we invaded TY's (awesome) house (YW and TY)

---

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it.
- Grey's Anatomy

yup, tonight, i'm home :)

Libération

2009-05-15T13:16:00.002+08:00

one week down.

three months to look forward to.
(fingers crossed)

so this is what it really means to be free (:
i have never felt so pushed and tested before,
to have made it pass this AY, that's really something to blog about.
soon i promise. till i'm home again!

.YAY.

cramps

2009-05-07T15:24:00.002+08:00

(read on only if not squimish, only if you realllyy wanna know, and only if you don't have pros in three days)

yes, pros are in three days, you must wonder why i'm still so free to be online, to blog, and yes, i also wonder where you (those having pros) are so free to come online to read blogs - GO STUDY.

u can also tell i'm abit deranged maybe? pissed?

it's that time of the month, which every girl dreads, unless of course you're constantly worried if you're pregnant - but that's another matter all together. sigh. the idea of having to change, to go to the wash room, of having to avoid wearing white bottoms, of nights when you just go, shittt and rush to the wash room to change YET AGAIN, and then the worst part of it if you're the type of girl that has numbing, aching, throbbing pain in the pelvic region - yes, that's me.

it's too painful to sit down to study.

too painful to sleep

too painful to function

but not too painful for you to realise that it's painful

and three days before finals, wtf. i spent the past half an hour in bed contemplating a hysterectomy all the while trying to sleep in hopes that the pain might just miraulously dissapear, NO - not when you've drank enough coffee to last you for studying the whole day (ARGH)

i remember the times when it was so bad i had to rush back from class, threathened to drop dead in front of i don't know the whole class maybe? too weak to even function, vomit, diarreah, breka out into cold sweats, ask my friends, anyone who has seen me get it would tell you i look like someone who was on the brink of death. all because of a monthly cycle.

sigh im so upset im about to cry - then again it's just those damn hormones.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life as i know it.

2009-05-03T02:53:00.002+08:00

i should be studying.

near to you,

i can't make you love me,

where did my time go? my monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday?

how to finish with one more week to go.

if i'm not studying, i should be sleeping.

i wish you could grab my hand and tell me what i need to hear.

i wouldn't even if i could.

lately, i've been thinking, you're not ready for me.

i will pass M1, i will not do subs, and i will be in M2 next AY.

i really should be sleeping at this hour to be at a functioning level 2mrw.

if you asked me tomorrow, i would have said the same thing.

how did i let them slip by so quickly, with barely time to finish the task at hand?

i mean it, i really do.

if i could, you know i would, because then you'll have my heart.

but thank you. thank you for making my heart skip a beat, even if it's not going to last.

good luck M1s :)