the after hours

i told you i'll be back! only problem is i'm not quite sorted out yet :)

times are hard these days, in more or less general terms, the weather is just insanely hot, and the workload never seems to end, the days are closing in on us, and time never seems to be on our side. to make it thru the end of year two seems like a feat near impossible to beat, let alone stay motivated in this 'mess' we're in.

motivation.

it's this inner drive that's suppose to be constantly in you when you're doing something you love. i am doing the things and i'm where i know i need to be, but am i still motivated by the same 'right' reasons that i was here in the first place? i'm not too sure. it's tiring sitting for exams back to back and to attend lecture after lecture all at once, not to mention the many things we love to have in between to remind us we're still alive and breathing and feeling like a normal human being, however do we manage motivation now?

perhaps it's fear that drives me most now. the fear of failure. to some it might seem outrages that i'm using fear as my motivation in something as 'honorable' as a medical degree but i must admit, although i'd very much like to have the love for studying, for medicine at it's core and purest form, love for patients, for it's challenges and never ending depth of knowledge, but to hold on to all that when you're sleep deprived, when you have lecture after lecture to cover, to have endless streams of information to drive into your brain, you want to reallyyy tell me that these are the things that still keep you motivated?

i'd like to meet you.

it doesn't drive me as badly as fear does, honestly. no, of course i'm not being angsty and bitter about my current state of mind, i'm just... tired, and abit cranky- GIMME MY COFFEE STAT.

jokes aside. i'd like to say that although we're swamped with work and it is afterall only year two and whoopeedee! we have three more finals to look forward to - i guess it helps to keep focus at the light at the end of the tunnel, although it's pretty dim dark and gloomy now, at least it's still there. to keep in mind that whatever things we're learning now, whether we bother or not with learning behaviours, in the molecular work of memory formation, or the histology slides behind the pathology - that everything will pay off in the end. at least that's what i keep telling myself (also the insane nagging fear of failing out of med school and the dire consequences that follow)

so don't be mad at me for trying to shrug off your worries and problems by saying things will be alright, and these soon shall pass, and everything will be over before we know it - it's not that i don't care and that i'm being selfish and mean, it's because that's what i truly want to believe in, with all my heart - that everything really is going to be okay, that we'll be able to graduate together and not kill anyone the minute we step into the hospitals.

cut ourselves some slack ok. we deserve some from time to time, and on top of it all, we really do deserve to know that we're going to be okay, so i'm telling each and everyone of you now (after you've spent the last ten minutes scanning my blog post when you're suppose to be studying, tsk) that,

i know it's hard. but take heart that you're not the only one feeling like a hundred yr old with chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety disorder, mild dementia and ASBD, i'm right about there too with a fungal infection hidden somewhere in between.

so pray, sing, dance, laugh, do whatever it takes to get by - ahha, if all else fails, think about how hard we'll be partying after pros and the joy of being able to call ourselves clinical students.

and in the end, it's only by His grace we've made it this far, and with His grace we'll make it even further :)
let Him be our reason and purpose, to serve and to love with His grace.